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V/A: Teh Domination compilation

22/10/10 || Daemonomania

Introduction: Global Domination. If it were a real geographic location, it would most likely be a sun-dappled clearing in the midst of a Swedish forest, with a blood-red stream babbling through it. We’d all be there; high fiving, drinking beer, and making fun of one another using a mix of nonsensical Italian email quotes and disgusting sexual innuendo. What a fucken lovely scene. But the less awesome reality is that GD is just a website where a bunch of metalheads virtually gather to do all that aforementioned shit. And many of us are in bands. Since I’m not in a band, nor do I have even an ounce of musical talent, what better way to build our little community than to criticize those who are/do?

Without further introduction, here’s the ole Daemo two cents on YOUR music. It may contain some negativity, but who doesn’t like being taken by ass by a great metal brain from time to time? Just lay back and enjoy it, Cockpukes.

FORUMER: Floodhorse
BAND: Liklukt, and a few others, will get to one with Ronnie Ribspreader below
SONG: I Am the Sea
D’OHPINION: Good god, what a natural drum tone! I wonder what the sea would come up with if you asked it to write a song about itself. It would probably just tell you fuck off and then drown the everloving shit out you. Well, thumbs up for Likkvlt. Fast, nasty death metal with chunks of groove vomited upon the listener. Noyce incorporation of sample in the middle too. Way to go, Flood, but Lemmy would probably hate it. 7.

FORUMER: Hook
BAND: Feral
SONG: Once Inside the Tomb
D’OHPINION: Opens with a quote from “Bram Ballstroker’s Dracula”, starring 2×4 Keanu Reeves. Damn, did that movie suck except for Dracula himself. While I contemplate horrific attempts at English accents, I’m greeted by some good old Swedeath. Feral has got da knowledge of what makes the genre function, and I’m quite pleased with the punishing breakdown that emerges about 2 minutes in. Axetone and vocals sound rad. The rhythmic interplay between drums and guitar is as familiar as it is pretty. Grave is proud of you, and so am I. Would certainly buy me some Feral – sell it to meeeeee. 7.5.

FORUMER: Keistad-Deathmetal
BAND: Bodyfarm
SONG: Heartraped
D’OHPINION: Welcome to the Bodyfarm – where we grow asparagus. These dudes have a nice looking page on their hands and have worn their most metal metal shirts for photography day – good job. I like what I’m hearing on “Heartraped”. A quality mix of melodic and violent DM, with a solo straight outta Deicide, Florida. Drumming could use some beefing up, guitar tone could use a little bite, but the vox are just fine. Or that could be MaiTaiSpace. Keep it coming, Keister, elsewise I’ll sexually assault the shit out of your left ventricle. 7

FORUMER: The Duff
BAND: Death Ape Disco
SONG: Burn the Red City
D’OHPINION: Thought the band was called Death Rape Disco, which are the logical things that should happen to anyone who attends a disco these days. This track faked me out – intro suggested a techduff beating, but instead some Anselmo vocals appeared to confound expectations. Duder even veers into Danzig territory from time to time, which is never a bad thing when done well. It’s hard to take Phil-style vocals seriously when it ain’t Phil – we all know what Pantera sounded like and it is redundant to just copy ‘em. Enough about the vocals. The guitars are too damn good for this band. If that’s Duff on guitars, good job. If that’s Duff on vocals, my condolences. 5.5.

FORUMER: JohnnyP
BAND: The Riffkins
SONG: Freeway Part II
D’OHPINION: A catchy riff and a nice crunchy guitar tone. Bad, bad lyrics. “It feels so fucking good!” Sure it does. Riding on the freeway always gets me hot and bro-thered. The vocals aren’t anything to finger your anus over either. Not bad by any means, but outside of the mighty Sabbath themselves I’m not the planet’s biggest stoner fan. Nothing painfully offensive to the ear warrants a 4.

FORUMER: MikzorTheFirst, Tinosaurus
BAND: Ashard
SONG: Were I To Be
D’OHPINION: Wow, pretty badass. I’m surprised. Then again I had no idea what to expect. As Control Denied informs me, I should expect the unexpected. So I guess I’m COMPLETELY UNSURPRISED, then. Sounds like a mix of Hypocrisy, The Monolith Deathcult, and their own personal pan pizza style. Cool samples, spiffy electronic bit thrown in, and I can even forgive the clean vocals. Get a real drummer and pound us with your cocks, Ashard-on. I’d buy your album fo sho. Hey, talk to Bodyfarm about what shirts to wear in your photos, by the way. “Where are we?” Fail. 7.5.

FORUMER: CadenZ
BAND: Chaossworn, Grave Empire
SONG: Bringer of Storms, Break the Cross
D’OHPINION: Let’s start with the storms, shall we? Production is a bit muffled, but we’re talking about GuySpace so that’s ok. I dig what I’m hearing for the most part – definitely a strong blvk mvtlll component to ‘denZel’s tunes. Absolutely menacing vocals, especially when the dude decides to hit death metal lows. The band drops the nimble tremolo action over the fast drumming with aplomb, but unfortunately I zone out a bit when there’s more than a minute of cultishness in any song. Thankfully the band brings the bacon back with a sweet slowdown at about the four minute mark. The proceedings close with some soothing acoustic guitar and a rainstorm… ahhhh, I think I’ll have a cup of herbal tea. 6.

Now for Grave Empire. “Break the cross”, eh? Forget all the effort involved in spitting on it or burning it or denying it or whatever, just take that thing off the wall and stomp on it a few times. Dumb song title aside, the Cousin It in the Torture Division hat has cooked himself up some good riffery, but needs to work on the transitions. I was starting to think there weren’t going to be any vocals until they emerged two minutes in. They also need work, though the effect on them sounds kinda cool if used more sparingly. At their best, Hempire could sound like “Penetralia”-era Hypocrisy. And that’s a compliment indeed. 7 given with the understanding that improvements be made.

FORUMER: Ribspreader
BAND: The Grotesquery
SONG: Necromantic Ways
D’OHPINION: I own shit from about 1 million of Rogga’s bands, but have never laid my ears upon The Pro-test-ery before. They fucken kill. The byproducts of Sweden’s lax unemployment rules and Norway’s aeternal darkness are most delicious. With vocals much more varied than your typical RoJo performane, drumming that pounds along swimmingly, and those riffs you’ve heard before seemingly presented in a new context. Will. Buy. Evil. Good. 8.5.

FORUMER: Dr. Snuggles
BAND: Hellmasker
SONG: Beat on the Brat
D’OHPINION: Best way to get instant approval from me? Sample “Army of Darkness” then follow it up with the buzzsaw guitar tone of Sweet-den. So to all of you out there whose sole mission in life is to write songs that are pleasing to a faceless internet metal reviewer from the US, take notes. This is important shit. So Smellmasker (light a candle, open a window, etc) deliver the deathly grind with a bracing dose of brevity, violence, and skill. Entertaining indeed. If they had an album, which they don’t, I’d buy it and file it next to Nasum and OT in the grind I like section. The end of this song destroys. 7.5.

FORUMER: Ryan Samuel
BAND: Irrumation
SONG: A Killer for You
D’OHPINION: Ry-Ry and the guys pump out some metal that says one thing musically, and a vocalist that irrumates quite another. The singer has an odd drunker-than-usual Van Drunen rasp going on mixed with nasal emo moments that are a bigger betrayal to Fox’s black metal roots than finding out Bathory was made up of ex- Stryper members. I dig the guitarsound and the memorable, facemelting tendency to the riffs, but the killer behind the mic has gotta go. Also a few transition problems, however ze no-joke drummer pounds right through. 5.

FORUMER: skull
BAND: The Wrack, Mausolea
SONG: Graveyard Pt. II, Sickness
D’OHPINION: You can own this for five dollars. Daemo has done it. Hasn’t arrived in the mail yet, so old Skullator could have tricked me via PayPal – sneaky! But what would you expect from an individual who hails from a town where shit like this goes down all the time? Anyway, the music. It sounds like a harrowing trip down post-metal avenue. Mixed with some truly interesting off-time almost hardcorish content. Maybe a bit of Coalesce? I’ll stop playing name that band and instead say that we’ve got a 9 on our hands. Jeebus, those vocals!

As for Mausolea, also fucken dope. A nasty mix of death, grind, and I’m not quite sure what else. Dig the wigged out atonal madness going on later in the track. “Sickness” indeed. You can definitely hear that in Stormy’s Wrack too, though Mausolea is much more compact in nature. Fuck me, I’d also buy this. Very refreshing and not a hint of friendliness to be found. (Iwantyour)skull, you are one skilled piece of dong. 8.

FORUMER: Patrick
BAND: Crypticus
SONG: Moat of Blood
D’OHPINION: “Sire, we have no water with which to fill the moat!” “Fool, fill it with blood!” Come to think of it, a moat of fucken blood would serve two purposes – one to physically keep the enemy out of your castle, and two to scare ‘em so bad they would never want to storm your shit anyway. “How did they get enough blood to fill a moat? Fucke it, I’ll not tarry to discover the answer to this riddle!” So Crypticus has some catchy riffs with Demilich style burpvocals. I like what I’m listening to, but not enough to wax my pubic region. 6.5.

FORUMER: Martin
BAND: Harasai
SONG: I-Conception
D’OHPINION: Martin Lawrence and crew look like they might need a bit of sleep, but who doesn’t? Anyway, these guys play perfectly competent melodic death metal. Obligatory high growls. Emotional breakdowns where you get nervous that a clean chorus might appear, though it doesn’t. Iasarah clearly have their shit down chops-wise, but me and melodeath are no longer on speaking terms. If you can still spin “Slaughter of the Soul” immediately followed by an album from The Absence and not have your teeth rot out, by all means give Harass-ass a listen. Just not for me. 6.

FORUMER: Ripper Bendix
BAND: Death and Taxes
SONG: Can’t Stop the River
D’OHPINION: What…the…hell? How sweet it is that the samples on Amazon are so short. 2.

FORUMER: Obligatorisk Tortyr
BAND: Obligatorisk Tortyr
SONG: Snart Bryter Kriget Ut
D’OHPINION: I’ve got the OT album “Afrodesiakk” or whatever it’s called, and I dig that one quite a bit. Or, at least, as much as it is possible for me to dig grind. Sure am glad I bought that one instead of this one is all I can say. Claire Daeme’s grindpinion (that’s an opinion of grind) might never have recovered. Lemmy definitely hates this. 4.

FORUMER: Lord K
BAND: The Project Hate
SONG: And Damnation is Forced Upon the Weak
D’OHPINION: Since I’ve already reviewed Torture Dividion (as ITunes calls them), I figure I’ll turn to the big man’s other band for a quick evaluation. There’s no doubt that The Protected Funbags is professional and done with a great sense of purpose, but the ladyvocals interrupting the sweet sounds of Sandstrom and the Prodigy bits confuse ze brain. My penis is forced upon the weak too, and I can see why people eat this up. Creativity to spare, but if I owned it the costs of accompanying eyeliner would be too much for my budget. 6.

Oh shizzle, update. The wife heard some ToiletPaperH as a result of this review, and enjoyed it immensely. Now I guess I’ll have to buy her a copy of whatever album “And tarnation is forced into my cheeks” is on. Lord (literally) help me.

That about does ‘er. Hope I managed to cover a good sampling of those who lurk on the forums and have some piece of poop mySpace page they call a band. This has been a deeply informative experience for me, as I thought that those who I telecommute with daily were a talented bunch of fuckers. Now I know it. Or at least I know that you tried your very hardest. To suckle at my taint.

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